Do you feel invigorated, she asked. No, I said, it was a very mundane run. It was just what had to be done. Like the eggs I scrambled and the bread I toasted. You have to enjoy the little things, she said. What are the little things for you? Sitting on a park bench, looking at the sky, reading a book. But, I argue the very act of “enjoying the little things” makes one self-conscious about it as a deliberate act to avoid thinking about the big things. “I am going to enjoy this moment,” you think, or “I am enjoying this moment.” Meaning there are other more difficult moments requiring you to emphasize this one so much more. Can I just divorce the enjoyment from the thought, and revel in it more? Only with a constant stream of diversion, it seems. And, that is exhausting, and crash-inducing, and, well, I give up.
I’ve been thinking about diversion lately. After reading “Fahrenheit 451″ I have been trying not to “amuse myself to death.” (Different book, same idea, right?) I find that I’m distinctly happier if I turn off the iPod or TV and just sit and learn to be at peace with my own thoughts.
I think I’m happiest when I’m asleep; my thoughts are worrisome most of the time. I guess this is another way of avoiding amusing oneself to death, right?